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Archive for the ‘Thoughts and ramblings’ Category

Eep!

It’s a real shame that blog posts composed in my head don’t automatically appear here. Someone should really make an app for that. It could be useful for those of us who have great intentions of updating the blog regularly and then fail. Miserably.

So long story short…I’m still here. House is still for sale. Yada yada yada. I’m still just waiting and praying and loving the children that I have in my home now cause they are pretty much awesome.

I’m hoping that this year I can blog more often. I started this blog off seperately from another one I had because it felt too personal to share in the beginning. Since then, I’ve decided I don’t mind sharing. However, I’ve felt a bit torn between the two blogs. The first one that was my personal day-to-day life and this one which feels much “deeper”. My hope is to merge the two a bit better and share more every day things here as well as my faith. We’ll see how well that goes.

So off I go back to work but know that I will be back. Soon.

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The homestead

So…there’s this property for sale. It’s in our town. It’s really old. It needs lots and lots and lots of tlc. There is enough room for all of us. Plus, there are all sorts of spots on the property that I could use for my photography business. I actually found this spot a month or so ago when looking at newly listed properties. I immediately felt like it would be a great place for our family.

Problem is, our house still hasn’t sold. In fact it’s been nearly 3 months since anyone has even looked at it.

Sometimes I just wish I knew God’s plan. It would make things so much easier. Is our house going to sell? Are we going to end up on this land, the land that Madi has dubbed “the Homestead”? What does the next few years hold for us?

So many questions.

Can I get some answers?

Please?

Pretty please?

I’ll even throw in a whole lotta sugar on top!

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Our church has been doing a series titled “Echo” this fall. It is focused on our response to the gospel call and each week we have dealt with a different topic in the gospel.

Hear

Believe

Repent

Confess

Be Baptized

Filled with the Holy Spirit

On Sunday nights our life group meets and we go over the sermon from that morning. I always enjoy meeting with my life group. The fact that our family is with the group of people that we are is something that I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit had his hand in. While I enjoy the group though, I don’t feel like I contribute much in the way of discussion. I’m more of a sit-and-observe type when it comes to that type of situation.

Last night was different.

We talked about being filled with the Holy Spirit. About feeling convicted and led to do something and how we knew that it was the Holy Spirit. One of my friends mentioned that he felt like there was no other explanation sometimes and that it had to be the Holy Spirit because he would be led to do things that were just not characteristically “normal” for him.

That’s when I chimed in. This past year + I have felt more filled with the Holy Spirit than I ever have. I can remember thinking just a couple short years ago that a couple I knew who were adopting must be doing it because of fertility struggles. Because honestly, I had no idea why you would adopt otherwise.

Really. That’s what I thought.

Then God started working on me. Working on me in all sorts of different ways. He truly broke my heart for what breaks His. That little adoption seed had been planted and I started to get it. Instead of wondering why a couple would choose to adopt I struggled to understand why more couples weren’t doing it.

And so, when my friend last night said that he knew the Holy Spirit was working in him when he did certain things because they were out of character I agreed. And I talked. Out loud.

And I added a little twist.

What if, you are led to do something that seems so out of character but then looking back you realize it’s not out of character at all. Like adoption. That thing that once seemed so distant. Yet looking back, even as far as your own childhood, you can see all sorts of things that led you to where you are now.

And it’s then that you realize that He has been there all along. Working on you all these years and just waiting for you to ask Him.

Fill me UP Lord!

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Spring came and the business of the end of the school year sort of took over. Then it was summer. You know, the time when the routines of school and activities are gone and everything is supposed to slow down. Yeah. It didn’t quite happen like that. Somehow even with no vacations more than just a few days here and there our summer seemed to whiz by and now here we are almost a month into the new school year already. How on earth does that happen?

In the beginning, when things started getting so busy at the end of the school year and I didn’t have time to get on here like I wanted I kind of made a decision to stay away on purpose. I was at the point where I was starting to think that maybe I just needed some time away and some time to NOT focus on the pull I felt to adopt so much. Does that even make sense? I guess my doubts had started to take over and I got to thinking that I was thinking about it too much and I just needed to step back for a while. See if I still felt the pull even when I wasn’t here so much, or on other adoption websites, or searching the web for orphans, etc.

I still felt it.

(I still feel it.)

So then I just wasn’t posting because I just wasn’t. I would think about it several times a week. Things would happen or I’d have a dream or I’d read a text and I would think, “Oh, I want to blog that!” And then somehow I just never did. Until this morning when I was getting ready to go to my first Bible study of the fall semester. I decided I really must get on here and post. And then one of the saddest things happened. I couldn’t get on. I forgot my user name and password. And even more disappointing…I couldn’t even remember the name of my blog. Wow. That sure hit me hard. Interruptible. I want my life to be interrupted by what He has in store for me and I’m so caught up in myself and things happening that I couldn’t even remember that?

Luckily, my friend Ashley had a sent email saved that had my web addy in it and was able to save the day. Or…save the blog.

So where do I go from here? Right now I’m just trying to remember to pray. Often. I feel like I got so off-track, so very off-track this summer and really lost the direction that I felt I had last spring. My husband and I have made a big decision in our lives that we felt for a long time needed to be made but we were just afraid to do it. Now we’re at the point where we don’t really have a choice. Trusting in God and knowing that He will provide has been especially hard for me these last few weeks. I want to trust. Why is it so incredibly hard? I really thought that something in particular was supposed to happen for us. That if we would just trust and do it then it would come through.

I felt it.

It didn’t happen. It’s put a big doubt in my heart as to whether or not all these “feelings” are even real.

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Talking

I’m a crier. I don’t know why, but that’s just what I do. Drives my husband absolutely insane. Anytime we try to have a really serious discussion I end up in tears. No matter how hard I try my eyes always well up and I have to apologize for the tears. Lame.

So I’m here to say that the past two evenings Hubby and I discussed adoption. And I didn’t cry. Not once. Yeah me!

After his suggestion to “sit and talk about where to adopt from” on Friday I started doing some research. I have thought on and off over the last several months about domestic adoption and while I know that there are kids here that need homes I just feel more led to adopt internationally. Saturday I discussed that a bit with Brad. He posed the question of why we wouldn’t just adopt domestically. That perhaps God wants us to take care of our “own” before going elsewhere. My response was that I felt like all children are children of God, that He cares about them all no matter where they are. I tried to voice why I felt international adoption was the route we should take. Not only am a crier, I don’t have the ability to put my thoughts into words either. It’s really a shame. Especially since it all makes so much sense in this head of mine!

I ran across this quote on a blog today and was so happy to know that someone else was able to put my thoughts into words. “While adoptable children in the US might not have families, they will still get food and care. The children in xxx are dying.” You can insert whatever country you want to in that quote. After participating in the 30 Hour Famine with World Vision recently and learning statistics that just break your heart I feel more compelled to adopt internationally. I’m sure that map doesn’t include all of the countries with hungry children. In fact, the country and it’s 5 million orphans that I have been researching recently isn’t even represented. However, I think it makes sense to say that while the US has the foster system in place (even if it is lacking) adoptable children here are at least eating. Ya know?

So Friday night I was looking online at a blog that a good friend had referred me to. While there I clicked on a link, which took me to another link, which ended me up completely immersed in one country and the orphans there. Personally knowing families who have recently adopted from Ethiopia and Rwanda I kind of was leaning towards one of those locations until I stumbled across this one. I’ve just been praying ever since and asking God for direction. I do feel like I “stumbled” upon this place for a reason. There is so little known about it. Perhaps if we adopt a child from there we can help bring awareness of the orphans and people there in so desperate need of help.

Last night while talking Brad voiced his concerns of “starting over”. Our kids are all potty trained. They can make themselves a meal if they need to. They are big! I completely understand where he is coming from. And I have those fears as well. I’ve talked about it before here. The thing is, my heart feels more like it’s the right thing to do then it’s the wrong thing. You know?

I know some people know about this blog but for the most part I haven’t really shared it much. However, if by chance you are here I would just ask that you pray for us and our family as we wrestle with this decision. Thanks!

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I have two blog entries that I’ve been meaning to post. The time just gets away from me and I somehow go days and realize that I still haven’t posted. Hate that!

One of my entries deals with dreams. Dreams with babies. Totally random dreams I tell you but I still want to share.

The other entry deals with my last Bible study when I just kinda got another brick thrown at me by God saying HELLO! Why aren’t you listening to me? Duh!

Today though I just am posting a super fast entry letting the world know that I’m still here. And that I may possibly be one day closer to officially moving forward.

Maybe.

In texting with my hubby earlier he mentioned wanting to do something fun this evening. I threw out some ideas and then texted “wanna sit and talk about what country you would like to adopt from?”. Imagining that I would get some sarcastic remark back I read the response and was a bit shocked. He said, “I don’t know. Date Night movie? Visit Memaw? Sit and talk about what country to adopt from?” I mentioned that I was shocked that my idea even made the list and he said, “Even before you sent it”.

Even before I sent it? Wait…what? You mean we were both thinking the same thing?

Wow.

Maybe…just maybe…God is working in his heart too.

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I’ve been thinking. Which is generally a dangerous thing for me. But I’ve been thinking and just trying to take a step back from what I’m feeling. There was some serious discussing going on between me and the hubster. Serious discussing that led to serious tears on my part. Don’t freak out too much, it really doesn’t take a whole lot to make me cry. I was just frustrated. Frustrated that I can have the feelings that I have and he can have totally different ones.

I don’t have any idea what will come from any of this. I try to push it all away and it’s still there. I waiver between feeling disabedient to feeling like I can do whatever I want. I pray, pray, and pray some more and end up with even more questions. Questions that I just wonder if I’ll ever have answers to. Makes me just want to throw in the towel.

Then I run across a post like this. One that seems to put everything I’m feeling into words. Words that make sense!

Happy kids? Who needs ’em?!

Thanks to my friend for sharing this blogger. I’ll definitely be checking her out again.

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