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Archive for January, 2011

…now THAT is the question.

Last year in February I went on my first real mission trip. I got a passport and headed to Mexico for a week with some of my church family. It was such a wonderful time. Meeting new people, doing things I wouldn’t normally do, growing in my faith. Awesome.

Our church goes to this same area about twice a year and I knew another trip would be coming up in 2011. While I felt a huge pull to go last year I hadn’t really felt that for the 2011 trip.

In addition to Mexico, our church family took several other mission trips last year and one of them was to Haiti. This was our first trip to Haiti. I really wanted to go. But I’d gone to Mexico just a few months before and I honestly didn’t feel a huge pull to go.

Then about a month ago I was in church and during worship my heart just started burning. Nothing was even mentioned about missions but I just all of the sudden felt a huge burning in my heart to do another mission trip. I wanted to go back to Mexico in February. I wanted to join the Haiti team for the March trip.

I mentioned the desire to my husband. Then I contacted a friend who went to Haiti in the fall of 2010. Then I met with her. And oddly enough, without even planning it, another person integrally involved in this mission just happened to be at our meeting place.

After much prayer I decided that I would go to Haiti.

Now I’m continuing to pray.

Today I got an email regarding the most recent travel warning for Haiti. I’m not gonna lie. It’s scary. Real scary. I have prayed a lot since getting and reading this information. When I got it, I went right to the website and read it.

Travel Warning.

Lots of details about the risks of traveling to Haiti right now. All the horrible awful things that could happen to you. Burglary. Kidnapping. Murder.

Then I searched any information on the area I’m wanting to adopt from. Know what I found? The same exact information with the same exact travel warning. There are some adoption agencies that require escorts to pick up your children. In the last week however, I’ve found out that the country will no longer allow an escort and you have to travel yourself.

It’s all a lot to take in. As much as I’m feeling that pull and desire to go it’s still scary. I was 19 when my Mom died of cancer. It has been so hard getting married and having children and growing older without my Mom.

My fear of dying isn’t that great. If I die doing something that my God has lead me to…I have no fear. This song was one of the first I heard right after hearing of the new travel restrictions to Haiti…

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

~Matt Redman

My biggest fear, having matured as an adult without my Mom, is that my own children won’t have their Mom around. I can’t stand that thought.

So I’m praying. Tomorrow I’ll attend a meeting about our trip. I will be praying that my intentions for this trip are truly what I should be doing and will be blessed.

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Baked with love

I found this new site recently. It’s a big fat huge gigantic pinboard. One location to keep all sorts of cool stuff pinned so I can always see them. Craft ideas, decorating ideas, photography inspiration, and recipes are just a few of my pinboards.

It’s SO fun.

Also…it might be a little bit of a time thief. For real.

I’m not the best time manager so I can’t hang out there much. Cause really, I think I could spend an entire afternoon clicking on link after link after link.

I recently found a pin with these sweet cinnamon rolls. I made them on Monday for the kiddos. Uncooked you could really tell what they were. Once they were cooked I didn’t think it was quite as obvious. However, both the little girls commented on them. And they loved them. Which made me pretty pleased. Nothing like starting the morning off with happy little girls! (The big kids liked them too but they were with me when I was making them so it wasn’t a surprise for them.)

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Crybaby

I just sent this message out to the amazing women in my life group. I spent most of our time Sunday with tears in my eyes. I couldn’t help it. I’m a crybaby.

So, I had a bit of a rough day on Sunday.

Brad said that after our life group he got all sorts of texts asking if we were ok. We are. Most definitely. And while we did have a bit of a tiff Sunday morning (I wanted to go to Madi’s Volleyball tournament, there wasn’t enough room for everyone, I really had stuff I should stay home and do, so he got to go and I was jealous…basically I was being a big baby.) that had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I couldn’t look at a single person Sunday without crying.

I’m a bit of a weeper. There are times when everything just seems to hit me like a ton of bricks and I can do nothing but cry. Every commercial, every kind look from a friend, every thought that comes to my mind…everything just makes me weepy. And let me tell you, there isn’t a whole lot more frustrating for Brad then to have me be like that. We’ve been married 17 years. We’ve had the following conversation, um, a few times.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You HAVE to know why you’re crying.”

“I don’t know. I’m just crying.”

“That makes no sense”

And then I cry even more

So Sunday morning at church we talked about the Holy Spirit and pretty much every word that was said and every song that was sung made me tear up. Then at life group Sunday night it wasn’t much better. I’m not a very good communicator. At all. So even if I sort of know why I’m weepy it’s not generally something that I can explain. It makes sense in my head (sort of) but if I try to verbalize that issue it makes no sense and I’m left feeling like whoever I’m talking to thinks I’m a complete and total idiot.

The fact of the matter is that between my friend next to me being sweet and giving me the occasional pat and our leader encouraging us to share I knew that if I even thought about opening my mouth it was going to be bad. Like one of those big fat ugly cries where you can’t catch your breath and your start snorting when you try to. Super Duper Ugly Cry. And since I’d met Brad at group since he’d been in Tulsa all day I wanted to talk with him first. Of course once we got home I couldn’t talk with him either, because I couldn’t talk without crying. I didn’t want to frustrate him by crying and I had no idea that he thought I was angry with him. (Which apparently he did. So he brought it up just before my entire sophomore YG came over on Monday morning which threw me into a hysterical sobbing fit just in time for the first car load of people to show up and wonder what the heck was going on. Awesomeness.)

So really the whole issue was/is just that I’m confused. It’s not a whole lot different than most of the other comments from group on Sunday night. In the last several years I have felt like I have really grown in my faith. Then there are days that I feel like Teagan must know more than I do because I’m so confused by it all. I feel like the Holy Spirit is active in me but then I doubt if that’s truly what it is or as my pastor Jim said Sunday if it’s just a “bee in my bonnet”. I’m tired of our house not selling. I’m tired of feeling led to do things that cost money (adopt, missions, etc) and not being strong enough to just say “let’s do it, God will make it work” because there is always that doubt that it’s that buzz of the bee and not really from Him. I’m basically just tired.

Brad told a friend the other day that he thought if he came home from work and told me he’d quit his job and thought that we should move to some remote village in Africa that I’d be ok with that. He’s right. I really would. I’d have us all packed up and ready to go by the end of the week. Because I would feel like we were finally really DOING something. I think God has something really huge in store for my family. I feel like, actually I KNOW that there has to be more than this. But what is it? When will I know? WILL I ever know? Or am I just going to end up someday in Heaven saying, “Oh THAT’S what you wanted from me? Why didn’t you tell me?!”

So there you have it. That, in a nutshell of jumbled thoughts and words, is what is going on with me. Thank you for listening to me. I truly do appreciate each and every one of you and am so thankful to have you in my life! And if I don’t tell you in person enough, it’s because I’ll do the ugly-cry if I do and really…no one needs to see that.

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Eep!

It’s a real shame that blog posts composed in my head don’t automatically appear here. Someone should really make an app for that. It could be useful for those of us who have great intentions of updating the blog regularly and then fail. Miserably.

So long story short…I’m still here. House is still for sale. Yada yada yada. I’m still just waiting and praying and loving the children that I have in my home now cause they are pretty much awesome.

I’m hoping that this year I can blog more often. I started this blog off seperately from another one I had because it felt too personal to share in the beginning. Since then, I’ve decided I don’t mind sharing. However, I’ve felt a bit torn between the two blogs. The first one that was my personal day-to-day life and this one which feels much “deeper”. My hope is to merge the two a bit better and share more every day things here as well as my faith. We’ll see how well that goes.

So off I go back to work but know that I will be back. Soon.

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