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Archive for September, 2010

One less

A friend shared this on Facebook yesterday. Her family is currently going through the adoption process and waiting for their referral.

I’m anxious for a day when I can say that my family made it one less.

http://player.vimeo.com/video/15064039

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Today I will

We have our house on the market right now. Have I mentioned that? We both thought it was the right thing to do. We’d become too worldly. But we resisted that nudge to sell until it got to a point where it was something we really had to do. Instead of a nudge or a gentle push it was a stick-your-foot-in-front-of-you-and-fall kinda thing. It’s been on the market for a while now and still hasn’t sold. Which in itself is frustrating. Because we felt like we should do it, and then we did it so shouldn’t it just all work out? Shows you what we know.

In addition to that we have a house that hubby built that still hasn’t sold. He’s built many houses over the years and they always sell either during construction or soon after. This house has been done for a long time now. Like, almost a year.

So yesterday we had the realtors tour at our personal home AND we had someone request a showing at the spec house. Finally! Things were looking up! I had wild visions of realtors coming through and one of them knowing exactly the right family for our home. Visions of the showing at the spec house going great and an offer coming through. GREAT things were finally going to happen.

Yeah. Not so much.

The tour did go well and there were apparently lots of great comments regarding our home. That’s fine. Hopefully someone who came through yesterday will find the perfect family to live here. The other showing didn’t go so well. In fact, it didn’t go at all. The buyers cancelled the appointment because they decided they wanted a bigger lot. So frustrating.

Then I came home and hit rock bottom. Well, I felt like it was rock bottom. I think back now and roll my eyes about it. The gas company has our account in hubby’s business name so our bills sometimes inadvertantly end up in his pile. So I hadn’t seen some of the notices we had gotten recently saying that our bill was past due because I was just automatically putting them in his pile. So while the tour was going on yesterday the gas company came out and shut off the gas. Sweet.

Embarassing? Yep. Hurt our pride real bad. Eye opening? Absolutely. I was so upset. It was my fault that it had happened because I didn’t get the bill paid on time. I had a bit of a pity party thinking about how our two houses for sale still hadn’t sold and now THIS. Seriously?! Why are all these bad things happening?

Then I really got upset. Because here I am feeling sorry for myself when I have SO much. So things aren’t going the way I thought they would. So what! I have a roof over my head. My husband has a job. We have health insurance. We aren’t wondering where the next meal will come from. We all have clothing and shoes for every single season.

Eye. Opening.

We got our gas turned back on by the way. After being told that it would be at least a day (there would be a service fee and a large deposit due) hubby called someone who he had dealt with at the gas company when doing construction stuff. Within hours there was someone here getting it back on. Know what else? We had a leak. Was the whole thing a blessing in disguise? What if that had gotten so bad that we all passed out and died? What if the house had blown up? We never would have known there was a leak if this hadn’t happened. God takes care of us. Even when I feel like I so don’t deserve it, He is there.

So today I will be thankful. I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea if we’ll be in this house for another week or another 10 years. I have no idea what is in store. But I will be patient and endure and trust. Hard as that is for me, my prayer is that I will stay strong and do these things. Today I will shoot a senior headshot session and a family session. Today I will edit a couple galleries to send to clients. Today I will remember to thank God for the gift he has given me in my job as a photographer and all the blessings He has brought me through it. Today I will not have a pity party and whine about what we don’t have.

Instead, I will pray for those that don’t have enough. For those who have no idea where their next meal will come from. Who have been wearing the same clothing for several days because that’s all they have. Who have no idea where they will rest their head tonight.

Break my heart for what breaks yours Lord.

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Spring came and the business of the end of the school year sort of took over. Then it was summer. You know, the time when the routines of school and activities are gone and everything is supposed to slow down. Yeah. It didn’t quite happen like that. Somehow even with no vacations more than just a few days here and there our summer seemed to whiz by and now here we are almost a month into the new school year already. How on earth does that happen?

In the beginning, when things started getting so busy at the end of the school year and I didn’t have time to get on here like I wanted I kind of made a decision to stay away on purpose. I was at the point where I was starting to think that maybe I just needed some time away and some time to NOT focus on the pull I felt to adopt so much. Does that even make sense? I guess my doubts had started to take over and I got to thinking that I was thinking about it too much and I just needed to step back for a while. See if I still felt the pull even when I wasn’t here so much, or on other adoption websites, or searching the web for orphans, etc.

I still felt it.

(I still feel it.)

So then I just wasn’t posting because I just wasn’t. I would think about it several times a week. Things would happen or I’d have a dream or I’d read a text and I would think, “Oh, I want to blog that!” And then somehow I just never did. Until this morning when I was getting ready to go to my first Bible study of the fall semester. I decided I really must get on here and post. And then one of the saddest things happened. I couldn’t get on. I forgot my user name and password. And even more disappointing…I couldn’t even remember the name of my blog. Wow. That sure hit me hard. Interruptible. I want my life to be interrupted by what He has in store for me and I’m so caught up in myself and things happening that I couldn’t even remember that?

Luckily, my friend Ashley had a sent email saved that had my web addy in it and was able to save the day. Or…save the blog.

So where do I go from here? Right now I’m just trying to remember to pray. Often. I feel like I got so off-track, so very off-track this summer and really lost the direction that I felt I had last spring. My husband and I have made a big decision in our lives that we felt for a long time needed to be made but we were just afraid to do it. Now we’re at the point where we don’t really have a choice. Trusting in God and knowing that He will provide has been especially hard for me these last few weeks. I want to trust. Why is it so incredibly hard? I really thought that something in particular was supposed to happen for us. That if we would just trust and do it then it would come through.

I felt it.

It didn’t happen. It’s put a big doubt in my heart as to whether or not all these “feelings” are even real.

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