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Archive for February, 2010

Fear

I’m home from Mexico. It was an amazing trip. People keep asking me how it was and I just stumble to find the words to explain what I experienced for 8 days. I don’t know that I can ever accurately describe it. It is truly something that a person needs to experience on their own to understand.

Today I am weepy. I’m not really sure why. My head just seems to be spinning. I have a list of things to do that is a mile long but my heart just isn’t in any of them. I feel now more than ever that I need to DO something. I had this thought to write today about my fear and was led towards that even more after my Bible study this morning. I got on the computer to do just that and then had a change of heart and thought I’d share some about my trip. About how I’m weepy today and I can’t stop thinking of everything I experienced while I was gone. Then I clicked on a link that took me to a link that brought me to this. I knew then that I’d talk about my fear.

I hate that I’m afraid. I hate that I can’t just trust and obey. I think that might be why I’m so weepy. I loved Mexico but it’s nice to be home in my warm comfortable bed and showering in a hot shower with water who’s streams cover my whole body instead of just a tiny portion at a time. I dreamed last night that my family bought a new house and in fixing it up I just couldn’t stop remembering my current house and how much I loved it. I woke up angry that I felt that way. Angry that I cared so much about a stupid house.

Am I the woman in Katie’s blog entry? The one who says I wish I could do this but then just goes back home to my warm shower and king size bed and sits and waits for the next opportunity to serve for a short amount of time. I don’t want to be her. I want to be the person who does what He asks. What does that look like for a wife and mother? I truly believe that God wants me to adopt. I also believe that He wants me to do more than that and live missionally. How do I be obedient to Him when that affects so many others? When the “others” aren’t feeling the same thing I am? When I’m so scared and full of questions that I’m just weepy?

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Wow

I’m typing this from Mexico. Piedras Angular to be exact. I’m here on my first mission trip, which is why I haven’t been very vocal here. It takes a lot for me to plan to be away from my family for 8 days.

Years ago when my pastor would talk about mission work I would feel a tug on my heart. Since then, I have continued to feel that tug and realized that I truly felt God was leading me to mission work. When my church started talking about the trip to Mexico in February 2010 I decided I would go. As it got closer I got more nervous. Like, really nervous. The day before I left I was a basket case. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything I thought about made me well up with tears. I wondered what I was thinking getting involved in this. I thought I couldn’t possibly be away from my family for this length of time. I imagined that there was absolutely nothing that I could contribute to this trip.

Wow.

I’m amazed at everything that I’m feeling. I’ve made some great new friends. I’ve experienced living in a completely different way. I’ve seen people who are just happy to be serving our Lord. I was trusted to operate a nail gun and other power tools that I don’t know how to spell. I spent the morning at a school painting a mural followed by time in an orphanage that I will never forget.

Wow. Just…wow.

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